August 19th, 2013
Do I even have to put spoiler alert here? I shouldn’t have to, but clearly, season finale spoiler alert.
Yeah. Let’s start there.
Well, it finally happened. We got to see Eric Northman’s penis. Sure, it was on fire, but, what can you do, eh?
Personally, I think it’s a fake out. I think Pam probably swept in at the end, in some kind of UV resistant, translucent, pink jet and saved the day. The whole show is a big old Bill vs Eric. It seems silly to lose 50% of the equation. Also though, lets say for HUNDREDS of years, the sun was instant death for you. Not like, “oh man, I burn easily! It’s either pale or lobster for me!” but INSTANT DEATH. Would you REALLY have THAT much faith in your sudden ability to stand in the sun that you’d take up reading in the alps? If you are dead, Eric, you’ve earned it with STUPID.
Now, let’s jump to Tara.
Way to go, Tara. Not only are you still annoying, but now, you’re also kind of grossing me out for some reason. It’s like watching an 11 year old kid breastfeed. It’s just, ew.
Ok, Warlow? SO glad you’re gone. Your plot line was better in the books. Seriously. I had to say that about a MILLION times to my husband watching this season. “No, dude, I SWEAR the books aren’t this stupid. They AREN’T!” Then again, this is the show that brought me this:
So, I guess Warlow wasn’t THAT bad.
Alcide: I hate you. I’m sorry, but I do. A) You’re just not my type. I’m more of an Eric/Bill kinda gal. I can’t deal with the big beefy people. I used to just hate you because you were a big stupid lunk and your people are hopelessly trashy. Now I hate you because you’re not Khal Drogo. I know, he’s beefy. But he’s my sun and stars, what can I do? Such is the nature of my hate, it’s fickle.
Khal > Alcide. It is known.
Arlene? You go, girl! You deserve some calm. Never change that dye! I love it.
Lafayette: Well, sir, you’ve made your case, and I say, you win. I’m going to look into pricing eyelash extensions.
Also? Stick with those suits, you are the hottest gay hotster in TOWN in those get ups.
Bill: I’ll always love you, Bill. You don’t need those jerks ANYWAY.
Jessica: Dude, you should have brought a book. You’re gonna have some long nights sitting outside that house and clearly the Belfleur’s only watch terrible learning channel shows.
Takahashi: Wow, Bill is a HUGE liar, dude! “I just have to hope your family forgives you.” Ha ha, right? Or, you know, he could just like, drop you off at your house and glamor them too. He sure peed in your coke, eh?
Fairy Grandpa: I like you better in the books when you HATE Jason.
Jason: Just, enough. I get it, you’re pretty, but you’d better become a vampire soon because you have NOTHING to offer once that’s gone.
Sam: Sure, mayor? why not. But not even in the face of a sick zombie/vampire horde threatening to eat your town should you EVER give up separation of church and state, dick head.
And finally, yes, zombie/vampire horde.
I work at a marketing firm. One day, a client came in, he sells, lets say, for the case of anonymity , flip flops. He’s sitting in a meeting with us and he says “have you SEEN this show The Walking Dead? We NEED to tap into that. The ratings are PHENOMENAL.” He said this about his FLIP FLOPS. While that’s not his REAL product, it might as well be, it has THAT much to do with zombies. Clearly, the True Blood people were eavesdropping in on THAT meeting and thought our client had a great idea.
But he didn’t.
Message? Zombies don’t belong EVERYWHERE. Think about THAT on your 3 year hiatus, True Blood writers. Just think about that REALLY HARD.
Sam’s plan? Not half bad. Seriously, just do it. Honestly, you should have just become a vampire already. I STILL don’t see the downside to that.
Andy’s fairy kid? Hey, maybe going to SCHOOL might be a good idea. Or you could just plan to work in Arlene’s diner forever, which, sure, why not.
So, what did you guys think? Comments welcome.
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