I think the time has come to call an end to our greatest national embarrassment. No, I’m not talking about obesity rates among children, or the ever growing financial disparity between the very wealthiest Americans and the rest of us; rather, I am talking about TERRIBLE REMAKES/SEQUELS OF EXCELLENT FILMS.
To begin, I’ll say that yes, there have been, perhaps, a couple of fairly decent remakes/sequels created in the past decade or so. The Hills Have Eyes comes to mind. That really wasn’t any kind of tragedy by any stretch of the definition of the word. It was creepy and scary, upsetting, well acted, in short, good show, Alexandre Aja (who’s own claim to fame, Haute Tension, would have been WONDERFUL, if only the last 15 minutes or so had been chopped off) I shall never wander through the New Mexico desert alone, or with family, again! Additionally, and I’ll bet you avoided this one out of the sheer terror of its possible awfulness, Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever, was GOOD! I know you don’t believe me, and I don’t blame you. After all, we live in a world of abominations like American Psycho 2, which has the effect of making you want to locate a real world Patrick Bateman, and hold him close whilst whispering “don’t worry, it’s not *really* American Psycho, they just used that name as a placeholder and forgot to change it!” But, really, give it a shot. The film is funny, well acted, well shot, and keeps in tune with the black comedy aspects of the first one very well. Why, if someone bought me CF2 on DVD, I would not want to shoot them in the face, and that’s saying something.
Enough with the niceties though, we all know why we’re here. We’re here for films like Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, which, to be honest, hurt my eyes and my feelings, and The Wicker Man, need I even discuss this one? Sometimes, Americans decide to murder a foreign film or two. Something like Ju-on, which was creepy in Japanese, becomes an AWFUL almost laughable mess when Sarah Michelle Geller gets involved. Again, I will admit that Ringu, the original version of The Ring, was pretty terrible (pro tip for writers: when you hit a difficult plot point, psychic powers are NEVER a good way to write your way out of it!) and the American version had me afraid to go to the bathroom by myself for a good week, which is always a sign of a decent horror flick, but, on the whole, we like to destroy originals when recreating them for American audiences. I mean, Quarantine vs. REC, people, need I say more? So, where am I going with this? This morning, my bf and I wake up, as usual and go to our computers at which point he sends me a link to a Bad Ass Digest article which informs me that not only is the Martyrs remake going to happen, but, I shouldn’t worry because it’s going to have a HAPPY ENDING.
As Tommy Wiseau might do in this situation, I immediately clenched my fists, looked up to the heavens and screamed “I’m sick of this woooorrrrlllddd!”
Martyrs is a GREAT movie. A French horror film, released in 2008, there is NOTHING happy in this movie. Absolutely nothing. The whole thing is dark and ugly and brutal, but with a point and a purpose. It is tremendously well acted, well written, and riveting. It’s a film that could have easily fallen into the torture porn genre, except for the fact that it has an engrossing story and a point to make. You know what this film needs from America? TO BE WATCHED AND NOT REMADE. Leave this movie alone! PLEASE! Why do we insist on doing this? You know what? If you’re dying to see Martyrs with a happy ending, then what you really want to see is NOT MARTYRS. It’s some other hippy dippy film, which, great! Go see that! I LOVE Fried Green Tomatoes, but I’m not going to remake A Serbian Film until I can figure out a way to squeeze in a lovable Jessica Tandy! It’s just not right. If you want a happy ending, write your own film! You know what there’s a dearth of in America? ORIGINAL SCRIPTS! So, how about you WRITE ONE and leave the classics alone. Seriously, just step away from the camera, and sit down with a pen and some paper. It will do you, and the entertainment world in general, a world of good.Back to the Attic