Tag Archives: Straws

We Never Do This Here, A Complaint

Usually, here in the blog, I like to tell you guys about cool products, or fun clothing, or events, or even recipes I like. I try to teach you the best way to dye your hair to make sure it looks as bright as possible for as long as possible, or how to fix dreads that have had a run in with a wayward kitten. Amalthea is good that way. Trying to keep you entertained and informed and all that good stuff. Today though, you will learn nothing. Today, you will hear me complain. What about, you ask? A VERY serious issue.

Drinking straws.

Straws, know them, use them, but, hate them? Yes. Now I do.

Why am I so upset? Well, I’ll tell you. I consume a VERY limited array of beverages. I drink hot tea and water. I drink lemonade. On rare occasions, I’ll drink V-8 or  OJ. All of these beverages go straight from the glass to my mouth. It’s a direct route. However, what I drink most often is diet soda. Orange Fanta Zero, to be specific. On occasion, I’ll drink Diet Sierra Mist too. I LOVE Orange Fanta Zero. It is the greatest invention since Carvel cake. It tastes JUST like real orange soda and it has no calories. What more could a girl (a girl who HATES diet sodas) want? Well, when it comes to beverages, not a whole lot.

Now, the thing is that being soda, diet or not, it’s AWFUL for your teeth. The staining, the acid, it’s just awful. I know, tea is also awful and why don’t you just shut your mouth, I’m talking here. I NEVER drink soda without a straw. Doing so causes me great anxiety because I’m a nut job. So, I depend on straws to get me through the day. The other day I ran out of straws and was forced to drink only water for a whole day like a savage. It was awful.

Here I am, drinking my orange soda.

Straws make my life happy. But you know what doesn’t make it happy? FREAK straws. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. While we’ve been going on about our daily routines, paying no attention to Big Straw and their evil plans, a horrible situation has come about. Straws have become ENORMOUS.

Look at this cup to straw ratio!

Now, the first time you encounter this straw, maybe it’s in your McDonalds vanilla shake, and you’re grateful for this enormously convenient method of slushy conveyance. It keeps you from developing a stroke whilst trying to extract the vanilla goodness, and it lets you consume most of it before it turns completely to liquid. Fine. That’s just fine.  And maybe you’re Master Shake, and you want to impress the ladies with your huge tube. Again, fine.

"I got rid of my teeth at a young age because... I'm straight. Teeth are for gay people. That's why fairies come and get them. "

But lately, when you go to get a soda, you get a HUGE straw. When you go to the dollar store? You buy a pack of HUGE straws! It’s awful. AWFUL. It’s like sucking on a pipe. It destroys any sense of bubbly goodness you would have gotten out of your wonderful beverage, you can actually feel the bubbles dying before they reach your tongue, and, perhaps worst of all, it destroys your innocence. Suddenly, using a straw just feels, well, dirty. Another couple of millimeters, and having a soda becomes the stuff of x rated movies. This is UNACCEPTABLE, and this MUST stop. Where will it end, people? Seriously. At some point they’re going to expect us to just wrap our mouths around the entire outside of the cup. Perhaps they’ll hand you a sliced off hunk of garden hose and tell you to go to town. It’s just not right. It’s not right at all.

Right now, our choices are few. We must vote with our dollars. We must buy Ikea straws, as seen here:

Always pretty, always thin.

Always thin, those Ikea straws. Never once have I felt like I was being surreptitiously filmed by a sneaky Vivid Video (NSFW) cameraman whilst using them. Failing that, I’m going to turn this thing right around and do a 180 on the straw industry.

Can't get much smaller and still be able to drink.

That’s right, big straw. I’m leaving you, and I’m taking all of the coffee stirrers with me when I go.

Back to the Attic